Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The feeling are messing with the penis
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
