i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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