I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
