OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
