my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
