when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
