I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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