I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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