The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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