Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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