Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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