hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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