I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
