I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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