Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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