Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
