I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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