Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
where are my eyebrows?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
