How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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