i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
