I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
