Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
