She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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