i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
