i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
