mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
