I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
