my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
