I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
