i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
