You smell like stripper and shame
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You took a bar mat shot.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
