my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He felt like a one man threesome
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
