Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
