i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
