and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
