I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
