It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
