i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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