he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
