dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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