Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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