roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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