Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
