They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
