i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
