I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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