I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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