Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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