he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
