Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
