Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
