I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
