Got a toothbrush?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Actions speak louder than pants.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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