I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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