I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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