he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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