We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
