i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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