im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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